December 15: Ew.

I’ll be damned, I never really noticed this before, but Mrs. Claus has cankles. Not quite Hillary Clinton territory yet, but still…cankles.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 14: I Take It Back

Forget what I said yesterday. I lasted a total of 3 hours. Things started off okay, until my “supervisor,” Sigvärd (yes, that’s really his name) started telling me I was assembling the BESTÅ/FRAMSTÅ/INREDA media cabinet all wrong. I shit you not: that’s what it’s called. So I say, “Hello? I’ve been building toys for 970 years. What makes you think I can’t put this crap together?!” Then I told him where he could shove one of those little L-shaped screwdrivers they give you. That’s when he called secürity.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 13: Smörgås-Bored

Santa’s laying down the gauntlet, and screw you if you don’t like it: “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” is COMPLETELY over-rated! Blah blah blah, hürnga hürnga hürnga…who gives a rat’s ass? I’d rather spend the day in IKEA.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 12: Sigh.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 11: Season’s Meatings!

Know what I’m going to miss most about Christmas? Bringing joy to all the children of the world? NOT. I’ll miss the In-N-Out Burger on Sunset Blvd. I used to go there every year when I was done with my West Coast route. I always figured anyone sitting in the Hollywood In-N-Out on Christmas Eve was so wasted, they’d never remember me pulling up to the Drive-Thru in my sleigh and ordering three Double Doubles Animal Style to go. OMFG, they’re so good!

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 10: Crash Test Dummy

Mrs. Claus said I should get a job driving a cab. Can I drive? Yes. A sleigh. Pulled by flying reindeer. In the middle of the night. That doesn’t mean I can drive a Crown Vic in the middle of rush hour! But I gave it a shot. (Note to self: check life insurance policy—she’s probably upped my coverage again.)

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!


December 9: View This! (Or…Joy to the World)

Took a personal day today, and Mrs. Claus caught me watching “The View” with my pants down. I told her I was only readjusting, but she wouldn’t believe me. “Seriously,” I said, “you think I’m cracking the candy cane to Joy Behar? I’d tap Blitzen before I’d go there!” Then she got mad at me for using the word “tap.” Can’t say I blame her.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 8: Shoot. Me. Now.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 7: A Promise

I hereby pledge to you that I will refrain from making any tired old jokes about fruitcake this Xmas season. I will say this, however: I have tried turducken, and it tursuckens.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!

December 6: Dressed to Kill…Myself

Went to Best Buy for a job interview. Thought I had it, too, until they told me I had to wear one of those god-awful blue polo shirts. I told them I’m a winter — I look good in reds, whites, blacks, that kind of thing. I told them I had my own suit, too, but the asshats wouldn’t budge. You be the judge. I think I look like Papa Smurf.

To find out how Santa got sacked, get your copy of his book here. It’s the perfect Christmas 2010 stocking stuffer!